Friday
I woke up early and just waited for the baby to wake up (8:30) and then Dad, Mom & I sat around for a while and Baby D played, etc. Part of me wanted to leave at that moment, another part of me wanted to take my time getting ready, etc. I "met myself in the middle" and left around 10 am. Point six for L.
All was going well. Just before my dad left for the day (he left before me) he stepped in to tell me, "Be safe, whatever it is you're up to," as he laughed. Laughed right in my face. He just shook his head. Like it was all so pointless. Like there had to be a "secret" behind all of this. I kind of just shook it off and got on the road.
I enjoyed the drive to Pkville, only getting nervous a couple of times. No dizziness. Checking in the hotel (which was nice) was freaky, but FAST and over in no time. No one was around, so I felt safe knowing no one really knew I was there alone. Point seven for L.
I found my room and unloaded my stuff. (Enough for at least a week, let alone 3 days lol) and found my OCD to be OVERWHELMING during unpacking. I brought Lys0l and covered the place. It took me a while to get my clothes arranged, etc. Not sure what that was about, the OCD had been doing better. Perhaps because I was out of my element? The room was neat and I wanted it to stay that way? Who knows. No point for L. lol
I checked in with my mom and gave her all the details: room #, phone #, etc. Then I called R because I felt I had really freaked out in session the day before, and to say I was doing better. I always, well, not always, feel so lame after doing something like that. I will have reasonable and rational thoughts behind my call at the time, but self doubt takes over and I HATE it. Why can't I NOT freak out over the little things? Heck, forget the big things. I'm aiming for the little things!
Like right now (in my notes time, not bloggy time) I want to rewrite this note but I know just to leave it be. (I did. Point eight for L.)
I did some shopping, and it went well. Wasn't anywhere as stressful as I thought, although I forgot how it was to be out "in public" during holiday shopping. Sheesh. I know tomorrow and Sunday will be a little more time crunched, but I am just relaxing now. Watching tv then going to watch a movie. ( INPUT: Attempt to watch a movie. Had several unsuccessful tries. More later) Hope I can sleep. Think I can. If I can quit checking the door. I haven't since I really, really promised last time was the last time I would check it. We shall see. (Didn't check it, so Point nine for L.) Man, I am tired. Crap, I am pretty boring! LOL
9:30 pm
Total Point count = NINE.
Wednesday, December 2, 2009
Still here.... Day One
I am very much still here in my bloggy world, just haven't been able to get some computer time. Due to some health reasons and family being in for Turkey day, I have had next to zero time on the computer.
Moving on. I actually have notes I took of all the days I was gone on my trip to Pville, to keep my feelings fresh in my mind for therapy and so I could blog what I was feeling because I knew I wouldn't remember! Now to get said notes out of hiding and into blog form will be the next step. Since everyone appears to be "out for the night" I am going to attempt that now.
I will do "Day 1" now, and follow with the others.
Day One: (Which was actually Thursday, the day before my official trip began.)
After much drama, because seemingly nothing can be done in our house hold with mega drama, my aunt takes me to the rent a car place and I pick up my lovely PT (ruiser, at which I was not totally thrilled, but it was small and got the job done. Point one for L. I go get my cell phone turned back on, only to find out it has a short and I have to get a new one. No biggie. Get that done and off to Pburg I go to shop at the $ Tree (I LOVE theirs) and Big L0ts (theirs too!) before my therapy. I also do a little apartment peeking. Not really apartment searching since all I did was drive by the places, and turn in two of them, and decide g0ogle maps aren't what they are cracked up to be. I am pleased with myself for at least acknowledging these are places of dwellings that people live in, even ALONE. Point two for L.
I drive myself to therapy and get there on time. I tell R about the car and apartment hunt, etc, and he is glad I am getting to go on my trip. (Not half as much as I was, lemme tell ya.) He even helps me take a step towards living in an apartment situation that I would more desire (or home, etc. Whatever) by telling me about "this place" that will remain temporarily anonymous cause I don't want any freak to know where I might live. Just call me paranoid. (Oh, wait, they already did... lol) He tells me to go look at the place (which I have already drove up too and just sat in the parking lot the previous week.... Point three for L.) and talk to Ruby and let her show me an apartment, tell me what I need to do, blah, blah, blah. This place will be my stepping stone. I will be living alone, but not in a place where I want to live forever, obviously. I mean, it is safe, well structured, etc, but not where I wish to even semi-permanently reside. Kind of like apartments for disabled, old or single people. (Not as bad as it sounds. lol It actually didn't look as bad as I expected just in the corridor.) After session, I actually go to "the place." I park, get out, go in. Point four for L. Kinda sweating here. See a sign on the main office door about being closed for the week or something (Turkey day week) so I begin to panic a little. Find some people right around the corner moving some stuff and painting and etc, and ask in a mouse like voice, "Is Ruby here?" (Point five for L, you have NO IDEA how hard that was.) Ruby was on a week long vacation. Go Ruby. Have fun. Sure you deserve it. NOW I HAVE TO DO THIS AGAIN!!!!! LOL But I will, and I will survive.
Then I go home, pack and get the PT loaded up for my departure early Friday morning.
To be continued................ Total Points for L = FIVE
Moving on. I actually have notes I took of all the days I was gone on my trip to Pville, to keep my feelings fresh in my mind for therapy and so I could blog what I was feeling because I knew I wouldn't remember! Now to get said notes out of hiding and into blog form will be the next step. Since everyone appears to be "out for the night" I am going to attempt that now.
I will do "Day 1" now, and follow with the others.
Day One: (Which was actually Thursday, the day before my official trip began.)
After much drama, because seemingly nothing can be done in our house hold with mega drama, my aunt takes me to the rent a car place and I pick up my lovely PT (ruiser, at which I was not totally thrilled, but it was small and got the job done. Point one for L. I go get my cell phone turned back on, only to find out it has a short and I have to get a new one. No biggie. Get that done and off to Pburg I go to shop at the $ Tree (I LOVE theirs) and Big L0ts (theirs too!) before my therapy. I also do a little apartment peeking. Not really apartment searching since all I did was drive by the places, and turn in two of them, and decide g0ogle maps aren't what they are cracked up to be. I am pleased with myself for at least acknowledging these are places of dwellings that people live in, even ALONE. Point two for L.
I drive myself to therapy and get there on time. I tell R about the car and apartment hunt, etc, and he is glad I am getting to go on my trip. (Not half as much as I was, lemme tell ya.) He even helps me take a step towards living in an apartment situation that I would more desire (or home, etc. Whatever) by telling me about "this place" that will remain temporarily anonymous cause I don't want any freak to know where I might live. Just call me paranoid. (Oh, wait, they already did... lol) He tells me to go look at the place (which I have already drove up too and just sat in the parking lot the previous week.... Point three for L.) and talk to Ruby and let her show me an apartment, tell me what I need to do, blah, blah, blah. This place will be my stepping stone. I will be living alone, but not in a place where I want to live forever, obviously. I mean, it is safe, well structured, etc, but not where I wish to even semi-permanently reside. Kind of like apartments for disabled, old or single people. (Not as bad as it sounds. lol It actually didn't look as bad as I expected just in the corridor.) After session, I actually go to "the place." I park, get out, go in. Point four for L. Kinda sweating here. See a sign on the main office door about being closed for the week or something (Turkey day week) so I begin to panic a little. Find some people right around the corner moving some stuff and painting and etc, and ask in a mouse like voice, "Is Ruby here?" (Point five for L, you have NO IDEA how hard that was.) Ruby was on a week long vacation. Go Ruby. Have fun. Sure you deserve it. NOW I HAVE TO DO THIS AGAIN!!!!! LOL But I will, and I will survive.
Then I go home, pack and get the PT loaded up for my departure early Friday morning.
To be continued................ Total Points for L = FIVE
Wednesday, November 25, 2009
Ole Me of Little Faith
Well, the money came through and I got to go on my trip.
Three words.
It. Was. Awesome!
I had a blast, but wore myself out running all over creation shopping, driving, etc, but it was SOOOOOOOOO worth it. When I get my own car (and don't have to count in a rental expense that cost more than the hotel room) I am SOOOOOOOOOO going again for like 5 days with no plans but lounging and just a LITTLE shopping. (Not "making up for 3 years" shopping.)
My OCD kicked in OVERDRIVE in the hotel room, like it took forever for me to put up things in "just the right place" and etc, but my anxiety really took a back seat. I felt safe, the place was very satisfactory, etc, and I was just so relieved it was happening I just actually had some fun.
Fun. Wow. Alone. Who would have thunk it?
Of course I ended up spending half the time on my cell or the hotel room phone with my mom, aunt, sis, cousin, etc, who kept calling EVERY HOUR ON THE HOUR until I just had to tell them to stop. I used safety reasons at first, like driving, and not paying attention to my purse while I am talking and such, lol but also ended up saying I wouldn't know what it felt like to be alone unless they LEFT me alone.
Everyone kinda handled it okay, except my cousin, she got kinda ticked that I didn't want 24 hour protection, but I think she is over it now.
After that, checking in was down to about 4-5 times a day TOTAL, so that was GREAT. (For them and me. I am sure it wasn't easy on THEM either just letting me go all alone.)
I will post more on my trip later, am just checking in quickly.
Ended the trip with a visit to R. Good session. I even drove to the apartments I am seriously thinking of moving into in the future and tried to go talk to the lady R said I needed to talk to, but she is on vacation due to Turkey day. At least I went in! I was SOOOOOOOOOOOOOO scared. And then I was relieved when she wasn't there, then I was like, "Crap, I will just have to do this again!" LOL I will manage.
Thank you God for a wonderful, blessed, safe, FUN time. I actually feel better than I thought I would.
Oh, and Ra, I tried to check in while I was there, but their "wireless and full Internet service" advertised was one little computer in the lobby that the same man was on EVERY time I went and tried to email you!!!! Sorry! And things have been a whirlwind since I got home.
Three words.
It. Was. Awesome!
I had a blast, but wore myself out running all over creation shopping, driving, etc, but it was SOOOOOOOOO worth it. When I get my own car (and don't have to count in a rental expense that cost more than the hotel room) I am SOOOOOOOOOO going again for like 5 days with no plans but lounging and just a LITTLE shopping. (Not "making up for 3 years" shopping.)
My OCD kicked in OVERDRIVE in the hotel room, like it took forever for me to put up things in "just the right place" and etc, but my anxiety really took a back seat. I felt safe, the place was very satisfactory, etc, and I was just so relieved it was happening I just actually had some fun.
Fun. Wow. Alone. Who would have thunk it?
Of course I ended up spending half the time on my cell or the hotel room phone with my mom, aunt, sis, cousin, etc, who kept calling EVERY HOUR ON THE HOUR until I just had to tell them to stop. I used safety reasons at first, like driving, and not paying attention to my purse while I am talking and such, lol but also ended up saying I wouldn't know what it felt like to be alone unless they LEFT me alone.
Everyone kinda handled it okay, except my cousin, she got kinda ticked that I didn't want 24 hour protection, but I think she is over it now.
After that, checking in was down to about 4-5 times a day TOTAL, so that was GREAT. (For them and me. I am sure it wasn't easy on THEM either just letting me go all alone.)
I will post more on my trip later, am just checking in quickly.
Ended the trip with a visit to R. Good session. I even drove to the apartments I am seriously thinking of moving into in the future and tried to go talk to the lady R said I needed to talk to, but she is on vacation due to Turkey day. At least I went in! I was SOOOOOOOOOOOOOO scared. And then I was relieved when she wasn't there, then I was like, "Crap, I will just have to do this again!" LOL I will manage.
Thank you God for a wonderful, blessed, safe, FUN time. I actually feel better than I thought I would.
Oh, and Ra, I tried to check in while I was there, but their "wireless and full Internet service" advertised was one little computer in the lobby that the same man was on EVERY time I went and tried to email you!!!! Sorry! And things have been a whirlwind since I got home.
Wednesday, November 18, 2009
Last Minute Details
Okay. I did what I knew better than to do.
I counted my chickens before they were hatched.
(Everything is still okay SS/SSI wise Ra, just read on.)
The lady said get a bank account (on Nov. 5th, which I did) and SSI would have my first installment and first check in the account in 1 to 1.5 weeks - MAXIMUM. Never takes longer than that, etc, etc. I did that. I started getting stuff in the mail almost IMMEDIATELY. Yippee. So, (here is the chickens and hatching part) I went ahead and planned my big trip to Pk-ville. Down to reserving the room on the 19th-23rd of this month. (Original plans were 17-20, but whatever.)
WELLLLLLLLLLLLLLL, guess I don't have to tell ya what my bank account balance is as of 5 PM Wed, the 18th, do I?
$53.47.
Yep.
The funny part? I have ALREADY been switched OFF of SSI to SS and all that supposedly "complicated, could take a few months" thing and yet my money is still MIA. (But on it's "way" so I have NOTHING to complain about. Just gripe about.)
Don't get me wrong. I AM NOT BEING GREEDY. I am just being impatient. There's a difference, right? lol
I wanted SO BADLY to go before Turkey day and get this shopping over with so it would not be so hectic. Because every day from here until Dec. 25th will be crazier than the next.
But, on a positive note, I at least made the reservations all by my little scared self, (and have until Friday @ 4 to cancel them, so maybe all is not forsaken) and surely can make future reservations again. I was only going during the week (original plan 17-20) because that is what my mom wanted, but I didn't really care. I have to rent a car, and it is WAAAAY cheaper to rent them on weekends for some reason, and the hotel I am staying at (due to the renting a car deal, whole 'nother story I refuse totalk gripe about) pretty much is a flat rate deal, so I shall go when the money arrives moment is right.
Plus, another HUGE bonus. I get to drive ALONE tomorrow! Yesirree. I shall enter R's office with a skip in my step. (Okay, actually, I hope I don't do that. That would be embarrassing.) But I am excited to be "allowed" out alone. ALONE. With no one but ME. I am even going to 'drive by' and scope out a few apartments in the local area over there, with no one none the wiser. I know, I know. You would think I would learn with the chickens before they're hatched thing, but I am just browsing. Yes, browsing. That is what I will tell myself. ;) Besides, it will be refreshing just to drive around.
Can't wait.
What is that I see? Shining up ahead. Is it a light at the end of the tunnel? Perhaps. Probably a train, my luck. lol
As long as I remember you can hear a train coming a long time before it actually gets here (read: who knows when things will actually change in my life) and don't get too ahead of myself, progression wise, money wise, etc, I shall choose to be happy this moment. And know that good things are ahead of me, along with "real life" issues as well. It ain't all bad, now, is it?
SOOOO thankful for these little steps leading me in a new direction in my journey called life. And on that cheesy note, I shall end this lovely post.
I counted my chickens before they were hatched.
(Everything is still okay SS/SSI wise Ra, just read on.)
The lady said get a bank account (on Nov. 5th, which I did) and SSI would have my first installment and first check in the account in 1 to 1.5 weeks - MAXIMUM. Never takes longer than that, etc, etc. I did that. I started getting stuff in the mail almost IMMEDIATELY. Yippee. So, (here is the chickens and hatching part) I went ahead and planned my big trip to Pk-ville. Down to reserving the room on the 19th-23rd of this month. (Original plans were 17-20, but whatever.)
WELLLLLLLLLLLLLLL, guess I don't have to tell ya what my bank account balance is as of 5 PM Wed, the 18th, do I?
$53.47.
Yep.
The funny part? I have ALREADY been switched OFF of SSI to SS and all that supposedly "complicated, could take a few months" thing and yet my money is still MIA. (But on it's "way" so I have NOTHING to complain about. Just gripe about.)
Don't get me wrong. I AM NOT BEING GREEDY. I am just being impatient. There's a difference, right? lol
I wanted SO BADLY to go before Turkey day and get this shopping over with so it would not be so hectic. Because every day from here until Dec. 25th will be crazier than the next.
But, on a positive note, I at least made the reservations all by my little scared self, (and have until Friday @ 4 to cancel them, so maybe all is not forsaken) and surely can make future reservations again. I was only going during the week (original plan 17-20) because that is what my mom wanted, but I didn't really care. I have to rent a car, and it is WAAAAY cheaper to rent them on weekends for some reason, and the hotel I am staying at (due to the renting a car deal, whole 'nother story I refuse to
Plus, another HUGE bonus. I get to drive ALONE tomorrow! Yesirree. I shall enter R's office with a skip in my step. (Okay, actually, I hope I don't do that. That would be embarrassing.) But I am excited to be "allowed" out alone. ALONE. With no one but ME. I am even going to 'drive by' and scope out a few apartments in the local area over there, with no one none the wiser. I know, I know. You would think I would learn with the chickens before they're hatched thing, but I am just browsing. Yes, browsing. That is what I will tell myself. ;) Besides, it will be refreshing just to drive around.
Can't wait.
What is that I see? Shining up ahead. Is it a light at the end of the tunnel? Perhaps. Probably a train, my luck. lol
As long as I remember you can hear a train coming a long time before it actually gets here (read: who knows when things will actually change in my life) and don't get too ahead of myself, progression wise, money wise, etc, I shall choose to be happy this moment. And know that good things are ahead of me, along with "real life" issues as well. It ain't all bad, now, is it?
SOOOO thankful for these little steps leading me in a new direction in my journey called life. And on that cheesy note, I shall end this lovely post.
Wednesday, November 11, 2009
Check "Yes" or "No"
Things are rolling along on the SS / SSI front, so all is well there.
But I have a packet to fill out.
From R.
You know, for HELP with therapy. Not to make you freak out.
But sometimes I get a little scared 'packets' and such.
What questions will they ask (of course I have already looked over them by now) and how will they make me feel? Things I don't wanna feel but need to feel? Things I don't wanna feel and don't know how to deal with?
After looking over the papers, I felt it was really okay and they could turn out to be quite helpful. Yes, it will bring up some "don't wanna deal withs" but that's gotta happen. I am ready to step to the next level and make sure I don't fall behind. I want to continue to get better and learn what I need to do for that to happen.
I have been gone for 4 days, so I will be filling out the papers at the "last minute" well, the "last night" before my appointment and I like to do that early in the week and then look over them, but that wont get to happen, so that will just have to be okay.
Just floating right now. Trusting my best in God for these upcoming events.
Looking forward to R Thursday as always, and looking forward for steps of change.
Now I just need to learn how to get over feeling guilty for feeling happy.
But I have a packet to fill out.
From R.
You know, for HELP with therapy. Not to make you freak out.
But sometimes I get a little scared 'packets' and such.
What questions will they ask (of course I have already looked over them by now) and how will they make me feel? Things I don't wanna feel but need to feel? Things I don't wanna feel and don't know how to deal with?
After looking over the papers, I felt it was really okay and they could turn out to be quite helpful. Yes, it will bring up some "don't wanna deal withs" but that's gotta happen. I am ready to step to the next level and make sure I don't fall behind. I want to continue to get better and learn what I need to do for that to happen.
I have been gone for 4 days, so I will be filling out the papers at the "last minute" well, the "last night" before my appointment and I like to do that early in the week and then look over them, but that wont get to happen, so that will just have to be okay.
Just floating right now. Trusting my best in God for these upcoming events.
Looking forward to R Thursday as always, and looking forward for steps of change.
Now I just need to learn how to get over feeling guilty for feeling happy.
Tuesday, November 10, 2009
SHEW......
Well, I made it through the weekend without Baby D, being away from home, and NOT in the most desirable situation I would have been in if I had picked it myself.
Everything turned out mostly decent on the "what have I got myself into" part, (i will email you more about that later, Ra, plus I am gonna do T.S.T and be "normal" over at OLWD this week again, except for N.m.m.) but I am emotionally tired. It is always so hard to go away, begin to feel a good taste of freedom, then go home again. But, the part that I hate is I always feel uneasy (for lack of better word) until I AM back home. That is the part that HAS to change.
Because after one hour home, I feel just as stressed as I was before I left.
Okay, maybe 2 hours.
Just can't sleep. But SO glad this weekend turned out MUCH better than I thought. I was really worried there for a while. And not just all on me either. It could have went either way.
SHEW.......
Everything turned out mostly decent on the "what have I got myself into" part, (i will email you more about that later, Ra, plus I am gonna do T.S.T and be "normal" over at OLWD this week again, except for N.m.m.) but I am emotionally tired. It is always so hard to go away, begin to feel a good taste of freedom, then go home again. But, the part that I hate is I always feel uneasy (for lack of better word) until I AM back home. That is the part that HAS to change.
Because after one hour home, I feel just as stressed as I was before I left.
Okay, maybe 2 hours.
Just can't sleep. But SO glad this weekend turned out MUCH better than I thought. I was really worried there for a while. And not just all on me either. It could have went either way.
SHEW.......
Friday, November 6, 2009
What Have I Gotten Myself Into?
All I can say is, what have I gotten myself into this weekend?
I just wanna stay home.
What the heck was I thinking about by being gone all weekend?
I just wanna stay home.
Not because I am going to be gone, (well, that is part of it, but I am actually glad because Baby D will be gone all weekend) but because what may or may not happen where I am going.
Oh lordy.
Didn't know this was going on. If I back out now, it will take a lot of 'xplaining to do, so I shall go and pray for strength and wisdom and just do what God would have me to do.
(Don't get me wrong, I will be safe, etc. but I WOULD NOT be going where I am going if I had been aware of a certain situation. Oh well! LOL)
I just wanna stay home.
What the heck was I thinking about by being gone all weekend?
I just wanna stay home.
Not because I am going to be gone, (well, that is part of it, but I am actually glad because Baby D will be gone all weekend) but because what may or may not happen where I am going.
Oh lordy.
Didn't know this was going on. If I back out now, it will take a lot of 'xplaining to do, so I shall go and pray for strength and wisdom and just do what God would have me to do.
(Don't get me wrong, I will be safe, etc. but I WOULD NOT be going where I am going if I had been aware of a certain situation. Oh well! LOL)
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